Let me start by saying how honored and privileged I am to be able to share God’s working in my life.
I was born into a Christian family – both parents were very involved in the church that we attended as a family. This became a valuable part of my life. I was taught Christian values and I endeavored to live by what was expected of me. The expectations were high; one’s I felt I could not reach the mark. I became a Christian at age 13, but due to traumatic experiences in my life, my walk with God was affected by it and how I thought about Christianity as a whole.
Early in life, I was abused by an elder in my church (extended family member). This ungodly behavior continued for several years and it started to control my life right up into adulthood. Try to imagine how this would affect a child let alone an adult.
It caused me to withdraw within myself, and I spent many hours behind very high rocks along the sea shore where no one could see me. I just stared at the ocean and many times thoughts of suicide flooded my mind. I had no close friends in my life I could confide in. And certainly in those days you did not talk about those things. And I sure did not want to tell my mother or father – it may bring disgrace upon the family or I would be classified as a bad girl (my abusers and lies of the enemy of my soul).
I felt all alone and that even God had forsaken me, which damaged my relationship with Him. I was very confused and tormented in my mind of how a Christian man could treat a little girl like that, teach Sunday School, and go to church on Sunday as if nothing had ever happened during the week. I really believed for a long time that God did not love me, or care about what was happening to me. I buried all of it deeply inside of me and most of the time I felt dead and rather invisible to everyone around me. It affected my thoughts, how I felt about myself, and wondered who I was really? I had no self-worth, no self-esteem, and an unworthiness to have anything good in my life. What a negative attitude about one’s self to have to go out and face the world.
I got married at the age of 25 and three years later a child was born, and five years another child came into our home. What a journey I had ahead of me. Because of what I endured in the former years it affected the relationship with my spouse, my children, and others. Behind the scenes I became a closet smoker and drinker. This caused me a lot more guilt and shame. However, God was not finished with me yet. His faithfulness still amazes me that He still pursued me even though many times I did not walk in His way.
In the 90’s I reached the end of my rope and was ready to walk out of my home and marriage. I felt I had nowhere to go or anyone to turn to get the help I so desperately needed. In my desperation, God saw my brokenness and graciously brought a Christian counselor into driving distance where I lived. This became a final decision to save me and my family, so every ounce of strength I had left, I made an appointment to see a counselor. It was the best choice I had made in a very long time. However, make no mistake the journey I was about to embark on was not an easy road. Just to walk into the office was a major step for me. The words would not come out of my mouth, but my counselor was kind and very compassionate as we endeavored to move slowly into the different areas of my pain and brokenness. At first I had to acknowledge I had been abused for several years and the effects that it had on my everyday life. There was a tremendous amount of things to deal with so I am just highlighting some of God’s dealings with me.
The motto of CCM (CHRISTIAN COUNSELLING MINISTRIES): “The Lord is close to the broken hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Here is a spiritual truth that I had to wrestle with to allow God to work it in my heart and spirit. It took some time but I overcame the negative thinking and let God renew my mind with His word. It was a slow process to undo the damage done but in it all God stood by me and brought me through it. As well, God gave me a beautiful lady and her husband who treated me like family. To my utter amazement she said one day “the bedroom upstairs is yours and the door to our home is always open.” She saw many tears, listened, supported, and treated me as one of her very own.
Even though I was a Christian, I questioned my own birth – was I wanted or planned for? I doubted God’s love for me and that of my parents. I struggled my whole life to try and fit into society but felt non-existent. My healing began when the Holy Spirit revealed to me Psalm 139: 15, 16 which says “my frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” I was not a mistake, for all my days were written in His book.”
See Jer. 1:4, 5 – “He knew me before I was conceived.”
See Psalm 71:6 – “I brought you forth on the day you were born.”
See Psalm 22:9 – “You brought me out of the womb; you made trust in you even at my mother’s breast. From birth I was cast upon you; from my mother’s womb you have been my God.”
As you can see from the above scriptures God had to work on my heart to change my belief system about myself and the plans He had for me.
On a very personal note – God spoke to me in the area of my spouse. One night at 3 a.m. God woke me up from a very deep sleep and took me to Genesis 2:25 – “the man and his wife were both naked and they felt no shame.” I ask God what are you saying to me? God whispered ever so gently that He would take me back to the Garden of Eden as it was in its original state. Wow what an amazing promise!!
Eden is a name synonymous with “Paradise” and related to a Hebrew meaning “bliss” or “delight.” Being joined has the idea of passion and permanence. One flesh carries a number of implications including sexual union, child conception, spiritual and emotional intimacy, and showing each other the same respect as one would give to one’s parents, children, and siblings. This was a complete working of the Holy Spirit in my life with my spouse, my children, and other family members.
You see with abuse comes a lot of guilt and shame so you can understand why God used the above scripture. Another important portion of scripture is found in Isaiah 54: 4-7 – “Do not be afraid; you will not suffer shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth, remember no more the reproach of your widowhood. For your Maker is your husband – the Lord is his name – the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; the Lord will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit – only to be rejected says your God. For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring out back.” Even though this portion of scripture is talking to Israel (God’s People) I really felt all of the above during my walk with God, but what Satan intended for harm – God used it to bring me out of bondage to a freedom I had never known. As a result of God working in my life, He has brought me to wholeness.
One of the most amazing features of all of this journey was back in 1996 when my husband and I celebrated our 25th Wedding Anniversary. We renewed our vows with our children standing up for us. Our daughter sang our original wedding song which was very special to us. Our long-time friends from Hay River along with our new found friends in Nova Scotia attended a wonderful reception. In the beginning, we did not discuss our plans for the day but guess what – my husband was driving me to an appointment in Truro when I started to share my thoughts with him. They were exactly the same as mine – God had given him what was already in my heart. How awesome is that!! Talk about God – He did it all.
The final conclusion – I am whole in mind and spirit walking in the fullness of God and His destiny for my life. In totality it is all summed up in Psalm 115: 1- “Not unto us, O Lord, not to us but to your name be the glory, because of your love and faithfulness.”
Margaret Prime is a wife, a mother to two adult children and a grandmother of three children. She has two older siblings; a sister and a brother. She is especially enjoying being a grandmother.
